It can be hard to agree to disagree with your partner sometimes, right? Or maybe the winner gets to pick what you watch on tv together! You think you know your partner, but do you really? Think were going to review an Avengers or Star Wars movie? Maybe youre proud of them for how they handled something at work.
Small Things Often Oh, and another piece of loving out loud express your appreciation. Are you and your partner the type of people that expect perfection no arguments, no conflict, no problems, no mistakes, just living a perfectly serene life, stress-free day after stress-free day? This will help you remember! Show yourself some compassion and kindness. And then, of course, what do you want to accomplish as a couple? However, true listening requires you to be present and a yearning to understand. Can I go back and reword how I was feeling?, Or maybe you need a minute to self-soothe after the conversation gets heated. You might not even realize how long youve been scrolling through selfies of friends you probably havent talked to in decades, pictures of plates of food, and Baby Yoda memes. Hurt FeelingsDo your feelings get hurt easily in your relationship even in small, trivial matters? Its not true. It also means sharing dreams and creating daily rituals to stay deeply connected with each other. You find yourself getting angry that theyre not taking your anxiety seriously. Theyre so upset that when they start talking about it, their voice cracks and shakes, and tears start rolling down their face. There might be times when youre beyond the point of being able to listen and maybe you just need a hug. When we say listening you probably think, I know how to listen. This is where couples can get stuck. Take out the garbage, So say you and your partner have been managing your relationship issues on your own and doing pretty well with it. When theyre finished, summarize what they said, so they know theyve been heard and understood. In what areas? This will open the door to learning more about their past and the obstacles theyve overcome to get to where they are today. I think Ill go down to the driving range and hit a few balls. Say, Sure! Like magic. They made a mess in the kitchen and left it because they know youll clean it up, they accidentally spilled coffee on your laptop, and then they forgot the one thing on the grocery list that was really needed toilet paper. They look up at you with a big smile and say, Hi, hon! And we each deal with conflict differently. Todays small thing: Ask your partner what brought you joy today? If they have to think about it, its time to create some joyful moments together. And maybe that means youre not as easy going and kind as you usually are. Synonyms for level include even, flat, plane, flush, uniform, regular, horizontal, plumb, true and straight. Or maybe have breakfast in bed and then stay there for the rest of the day, watching movies, or just enjoying each others company. How does this work? Talk to your partner about how you will navigate breaches of trust that may enter the relationship. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. Case in point: Say your partner didnt get the promotion they were absolutely positively sure they were going to get and theyve been angry ever since. And only offer advice if its solicited! Validate their feelings, and help them label their emotions with words. If you ask questions that only require a yes or no answer, your conversation is over before it even begins. Were talking about something that can be so subtle, so insidious, so very destructive to your relationship and, yet, you might have no idea at all that youre expressing it. Comments like, You think thats bad, listen to this! will only get in the way. Taking time to process your financial dreams of maybe buying a house or setting up a college fund for your kid can bring you closer! As you value your partner in these small moments honoring each other, and sharing the fondness you feel for them your appreciation for each other will grow and help you to reconnect, no matter how stressful life becomes. Run errands, do household chores, go grocery shopping, pick the kids up from school. That means refusing to accept hurtful behavior from one another from day one. Yep. Dont we all? The thing is: the way which you approach your partner with the idea of couples therapy makes all the difference in how they might respond. Or maybe, to tell the truth, youre sometimes just too tired or annoyed or irritated to make the effort to connect. Thanks. For example, if one partner is a dog person and the other prefers cats, these preferences dont override their other dimensions as a human being. Bringing up problems gently and again, without blame works much better and will allow you and your partner to calmly engage in conflict. Theres a good chance that youre homebound quarantined waiting for this worldwide health emergency to pass all while practicing social distancing. Romance, affection, appreciation, and communication can decline over time in a relationship. Whatever you decide just know that anything you give your partner that comes from your heart will mean way more than any fancy present you could buy. This isnt a time to problem-solve. So heres todays small thing: Talk to your partner about any beliefs or cultures that differ between the two of you.
Newsday That said, its not easy to consistently stay in this box. Do fresh flowers make them smile? That could mean a 5 minute chat when you reunite everyday or some one-on-one time after dinner. Recently? With judgment and contempt or compassion and understanding? Lets go with your choice, and next time well go with mine. No raised voices, no hurt feelings. Have fun with it and remember that you can always get to know your partner better. This is a must-not-cancel, no excuses, scheduled on a calendar with a permanent marker date night. Your partner can give you insight into the little things they do while feeling flooded that you can pick up on. That brings us to the Feeling Wheel. Both of you should inhale and exhale together and then repeat that two more times. I feel really hurt. Practice non-defensive listening and remember how much you love and respect each other. Never back the opposite viewpoint or play devils advocate. So dont just tell them to storm into their boss office or at least not right away because theres a good chance that they just want you to be there and listen! Ways to Make Your Love LastAre you committed to making your love last? The first step to being okay might be some me time to take care of yourself. In primitive times, this action could have occurred because a bear was chasing you. Basically anything that would result in a. emotional state. These are just examples of values that may be on your list. You love your friend and accept them just the way they are a loveable, quirky, imperfect person. That means letting things go. One partner may get offended, angry or defensive with no basis at all except for their own interpretation of their partners actions causing unnecessary arguments and tension within the relationship. But suddenly your phone dings with an email from your boss, which you decide to take care of first. Update your Love Maps often! In this state of mind, there is no way your conflict can be resolved. And that doesnt mean just hearing it. It means being totally focused on what your partner is saying, and listening with empathy and understanding. The key to catching your own defensiveness is to pay attention to when you are potentially misinterpreting a statement or question as an attack. So create a sense of shared meaning and watch your relationship grow deeper and stronger than ever before. Todays small thing: The next time you say, I love you to your partner, follow it up with and I like you. Those three small words can mean so much and transform your relationship. And keep in mind that theres two different types of problems. When activities arent feasible, make mundane moments special. Kiss, hug, cuddle hold hands while just sitting on the couch watching TV or taking a walk. It can also break trust. Being aware of emotions and having the ability to manage feelings will be a big benefit to you and anyone you interact with. Rituals help your relationship thrive! Good. Your relationship will work better if both partners have and accept influence. Do they love old horror movies, and hate peanut butter? Put it on your calendar. Take your time and come up with something that lets your partner know how much you love and treasure them. The reasons for failed connection are often the result of mindlessness, not malice. Even saying please can go a long way! So how do you get back on track? I dont want you to feel that way. Identifying the 3 Forms of DefensivenessDo you know when youre being defensive? Instead, be open to the outcome and what unfolds. Were all in this together. And how you handle this ratio can mean whether you are in what we call a master or disaster relationship. You know that saying, The grass is always greener on the other side? Have these discussions only when you wont be distracted by TV, chores, or other situations. Sounds wild, right? Or maybe you just bought a new home, and youre so overwhelmed by all the new expenses, you find yourself getting angry and snapping at your partner over the smallest things. How about exercising together? First of all, it means you show up. Every single day is filled with small bids of connection just like this when you have the opportunity to turn towards or away from your partner. On todays Small Things Often, we share tips on how to deal with ambiguity and those scary, fearful, stressful feelings and thoughts of the future. Instead of saying what your partner is doing wrong, talk about what you need to make things better. You can literally say, Okay, time-out. Stand by them. Catch your partner doing something rightCan small moments of appreciation transform your relationship in a big way? Is there anything wrong with your reaction? Are you willing to meet theirs? So how do you navigate your desires for individuality versus togetherness? They dont go into cruise control. In this case, the goal is not to solve the problem, but instead to declaw the issue by removing the hurt. If you or your partner have been feeling disconnected, ignored or unheard lately, your bank account could be already depleted. In fact, if you watched them argue, you would think they were unemotional because they stay so calm and dont get overwhelmed. They discuss the situation calmly to understand what went wrong and realize their relationship is more important than the problem. So heres todays small thing: Discuss a no phone policy with your partner. Were there any surprises? This is one on one time. But a warning: Its very important that you dont let the cost of therapy add to your stress level! Face it. It helps you view interactions through a lens of kindness rather than judgment, and act calmly instead of reacting. Ask questions! Be on the lookout for things theyre doing right every day and when you see it, say it! But if youre in a relationship where either you or your partner have felt disconnected from the other, the holidays can be especially stressful. Isnt that the speech that the President gives to Congress once a year? Maybe you both want to create a financially secure future. Its purposely paying attention without judgement. These small deposits of affection add up and will strengthen your bond even further. Plus, youre always carving out time in your busy schedules to do things together like taking a walk holding hands, planning time for intimacy and working every day to keep romance alive even in the smallest ways. Lets start with what happens in conversations all the time. Make adding new bits and pieces to your Love Maps a priority over the lifetime of your relationship. And if you get close to doing either, you take a break, make amends, and start over. Instead LISTEN, then express that you understand. Repeat it back by saying something like, So what youre saying is. As you work through those bigger issues, be forthcoming about the fundamental things that truly matter and affect your relationship that could be anything from your past to finances to family problems. How You Can Stop the World TogetherDrown out the noise and truly listen to your partner. How to Process an ArgumentYou and your partner just had an argument now what? Do you turn away and stay on the phone? On the other hand, really listening actively listening requires a conscious effort. If so, its no surprise that you feel dismissed, disconnected and isolated. You honor each others dreams even if theyre different. Todays small thing: Schedule a time with your partner for your first State of the Union! Maybe your older dog had a good visit at the vet. Dont forget that discussions around money can trigger strong feelings and insecurities, so be prepared. Or maybe they gave you a quick shoulder massage as you were sitting at your computer. Shifts in the relationships dynamic can be unsettling at first, especially when they feel like they happen unexpectedly. Simple Tips to Reconnect and Nurture Your RelationshipKeeping your relationship on track, especially during stressful times, can be difficult. All you have to do is listen to the voice of Dr. Julie Gottman. On this episode of Small Things Often, were sharing the importance of taking ownership of our actions and how they affect our loved ones. Or go for a walk and get some fresh air. Their boss was a total jerk today and they are so upset. Maybe they wanted to move the bowls to the bottom rack so they can fit all the dishes in this load so you dont have to worry about it in the morning. But liking themwell, thats at the very heart of your relationship and should never be taken for granted. Or maybe you just need to talk get it all out of your system. You have a satisfying sex life and make intimacy a priority. Ready? Commit to the work to maintain and strengthen your emotional bond with your partner that will give your love longevity. Notice every nuance of what you see. And finally, set goals with your partner both individually and together on how youll manage your stress going forward. And, yes, its wonderful to share topics you find that you and your partner need to work on but dont forget to also share the ones you find that youre already doing right. Maybe you once thought that if you lower your expectations, you wont be disappointed by your partner. Or do you ignore their sadness so you can dive into the book that youve been looking forward to? Maybe this is your way of protecting yourself. On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to transform criticisms into positive needs that will help you avoid conflict and arguments and, ultimately, bring you even closer to your partner. Criticism usually leads to an argument that you dont even need to have. Maybe its how they always put you first. Have some open and honest conversations to connect with your partner. First, schedule time together. Get out of your chair. Or just be affectionate and playful and have some fun together. Our steel stoves features heavy-duty, high quality construction that will ensure years of dependable warmth. Sometimes we change for the better and sometimes we change for the worse. I want to know more if youre up to talking about it.. Do you send them an email with the link to the episode and the email subject, in all caps: THIS IS YOU! If so, share what you have learned. Hiding in the closet or under the bed was fun, right? Theres probably distractions all around you right now at this very second while youre listening to this podcast. The thing is, even the best relationships will experience extra stress during these times, so how you maneuver through the new normal. Create white space and use it to slow down, recharge, and connect with your partner. Maybe say, Ive been thinking about you all day or Did you know youre the love of my life? All relationships have conflicts that are tough to navigate. You will be there consistently, on an on-going basis, to really hear them, validate their feelings and, hopefully, trust will follow. Who Are We? In this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, well explain how fully listening before responding can strengthen your relationship. Lets say your partner comes to you one day and says they just had this huge blowout argument with their mom. In primitive times, this action could have occurred because a bear was chasing you. Discuss the ways that you can support and connect with each other in the droughts of winter when you feel like your relationship is just meeh just okay and when your relationship heats back up in the summer.. in a sudden way. Todays small thing: This holiday season, think of new ways to create rituals of connection. Another strategy: Strengthen your relationship with yourself. Its the typical scenario in lots of homes. On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to have productive conversations as you both work towards creating a shared financial vision. Your partner could say, Thank you for apologizing. Heres an example: Say youre in the middle of an argument, when suddenly, your partner shuts down, and leaves the room. So as the New Year approaches a time of hope and new beginnings it may be the perfect time to really think about the unique traits you value in your relationship. Good, thats it. Sharing these moments can ignite passion and keep you connected. Let them know they have your complete attention and they are the most important thing in the room. Ah, wouldnt that be so incredibly easy and perfect and wonderful yeah it would be if it were true. Your breathing, your body, your motions. You and your partner have both been working hard on your relationship! When you have that mindset, its much easier to deal with any negativity in your relationship. You may believe you know everything there is to know about your partner, that youve heard all their stories so well, that you could probably recite them by heart. Stop the harmful behavior and continually work to repair it. This will. With these worries always lurking in the background, perhaps little things that never bothered you are setting you off. Youve chosen your words carefully and not attacked or blamed your partner. Simply this: How do you measure success in your relationship? Maybe your home is your sanctuary. Take a class together! Its what you do to get back on track that matters. So before you point fingers, keep in mind that arguments about money arent really about money. So share your thoughts on how you each handle conflict and then decide how you want to approach it as a couple when arguments happen. Its time to celebrate your relationship with a pat on the back. What are the deep-rooted experiences that affect them today? An example would be, I have so much going on right now and going to the store stresses me out! Keep the positivity flowing by having some fun together. Dim the lights, munch on fancy hors doeuvres, drink something special, and enjoy the high life in your own living room. Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships. And finally, let go of your own agenda. Some things are negotiable in a relationship like whose family you visit on holidays or who does what around the house but core needs? Are you staring at a pile of laundry? The simple act of turning towards instead of away is the basis of trust and emotional connection. So how do you get back in sync with your partner? Its all about building connections thatll help build trust. 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